penny

03 goodbye

2007-01-29T15:22:00.000+08:00

love is like figs.

phweee i feel like stopping everything now and going for a break, even though i don't think it's ever possible. because i'm in singapore and i'm in nanyang, because nobody would even care about anything else other than SIA deadlines.

i'm in the sentimental mood these days, and i want to do something more than just studying. something meaningful, something close to heart. but it's stupid, because i know i can't do anything much without studying. so too bad for me, i guess i'll just have to wait.

blah i don't know why i'm blogging when i can't even put my thoughts into proper words. blah blah i don't even know why i'm blogging when no one even comes here anymore.

i want to eat soya icecream.

02

2007-01-21T14:55:00.000+08:00

見つけたよ。

just finished d.n. angel yesterday and it's so sweet!

daisuke is so cute and it's so stupid cos now i'm into cute 14-year-old boys with red spikey hair.

oh coffee club has good wasabi prawn salad.

and muji has a nice cap which makes me look good at $39. which i think is a total madness.

and now i'm just waiting for my sister to contact me so i can buy tickets from sistic online. which is getting so irritating cos i always have to ask my sister for help to get things online. blahblahblah too bad for me with no credit card.

01

2007-01-13T21:57:00.000+08:00

does anyone still read this blog? haha.

who cares. i am the queen.

i just updated to the new blogger and i'm supposed to be enjoying it!

this is The First Post of 2007.

which is a very exciting year.

does periods make you high? cos today is First Day and i'm am surprisely quite high now! maybe it's because i experienced no cramps today. just felt weird in the stomach in the morning. so i guess EPO works in a way! (i shall account last month's bad cramps to cold coconut milk. gosh it was so bad i almost lost my mp3.)

or maybe i'm high because of 14 hours of sleep yesterday! say goodbye to eyebags/eyerings.

heehee right now i'm listening to ZhouJieLun and believing that I, yes I, am The Cute Woman (可爱女人). yes, still ke ai despite acne and fats.

and i figured that i don't like 三年二班 by him as well because i don't like the feeling i get when i hear the song. to hell with all the ego-bruising lyrics.

hahaha and i like the blower's daughter by damien rice ever since i watched closer. i like the way damien rice goes intense at some parts of the song!

heehee my sister is turning 22 in a few days time, i feel so old for her. and this year i'll be officially exposed to NC16 movies! wheehee.

oh yeah, today i finally felt like i had energy for training even though i didn't really have the spirit (due to bad feeling in stomach)! and i had a change of partner because my partner abandoned me for somebody she loved better but my partner was pretty good as well.

still unsure of whether i'm going to update this on a regular basis. maybe if 1 person reads. maybe if i feel like a queen. maybe if i get married. okay ignore the last point.

and maybe if i continue blogging, i'll change my blog to pennymoo.blogspot or pennymoo.livejournal. still not as cool as penny.something, but i figured all the penny.somethings are taken up so i'll just have to make do with something half as cool or stick to this one.

people change.

2006-11-24T00:02:00.000+08:00

this is one song that i'm so into right now. omg it's so sad and it made me so sad during training cos i looped it the entire night and the journey to school and i'm still looping now. so go listen go listen go listen! but don't bother getting other songs by the band cos it's pretty difficult and i think this is one of their nicer songs.

People Change
Rockapella

Didn't hear a tone, are you, hello
I never hear a tone, I guess you know
I can't remember what I called to say
I thought you might be home on Saturday

I really can't believe it's been a year
It took a little time without you here
I'm guessing you survived alone somehow
It's good that I can joke about it now

I still avoid the park at Christopher
Never wanna feel the way we were
Unless I'm in a hurry for that train
And that's the only newsstand open late

People change (people change) everyday (everyday)
Change like you (change like you)
I got all the time in the world

People cry (people cry) all the time (all the time)
Cry like me (cry like me)
We got all the time in the world

It's been so long that no one even asks
And everybody's walkin' on the grass
Grass that took a while to reappear
I'd forgotten green without you here

Christmas came and went upon this bench
Tryin' to justify what made no sense
Now the ivy's overrun the tears
But it could never hide what happened here

People change (people change) everyday (everyday)
Change like you (change like you)
I got all the time in the world

People cry (people cry) all the time (all the time)
Cry like me (cry like me)
We got all the time in the world

(Fillin' in the conversation by myself)
(Fillin' in the reason why you leave me leavin', leavin')
(Thinkin' back, the hope we had was more than mine)

The hope we had was more than mine (more than mine)
I know it makes sense to you (more than mine)
Just make it make sense to me

Maybe I'm alive beneath the snow
Maybe you're too petrified to know
I can't believe that you would tell me lies
How could I have missed that in those eyes

Maybe if I only heard your voice
I would understand you had no choice
And though I'm glad it's clear for you to see
I wish that you could make it make sense to me

People cry (people cry) all the time (all the time)
Cry like me (cry like me)
I got all the time in the world

Flowin' in and out your life (people change)
By tomorrow mornin (everyday)
Flowin' in and out my life (people change)

People change (people change) everyday
People cry (people change) all the time
People change (people change) everyday

the old days.

2006-11-17T14:58:00.000+08:00

to anyone who is still reading this, go listen to

MICHAEL LEARNS TO ROCK!

even though it's so old already. it's okay, i like old stuff.

heeheehee i like wild woman!

luck.

2006-11-05T23:26:00.000+08:00

it's been long since i last updated.

and maybe my luck is starting to get better.

this whole year has been way suay for me, even things i didn't expect to happen happened. but maybe, it's getting a bit better!

i promise to be better next year. even though i don't keep my promises all the time, i will try.

anyway i realized that the world isn't filled with so many pretty people after all! so many people had undergone plastic surgery before. even works of art like matsushima nanako and won bin are rumoured to have undergone plastic surgery, sadly. so i no longer need to be so upset because i am 100% natural even though i am still not very pretty.

i guess this will be all because it feels weird after not updating for so long.

i hope that i have a place in your heart too.

2006-10-18T23:15:00.000+08:00

say yes to tearjerkers!

omg i love to cry.

unforgettable.

2006-10-18T21:43:00.000+08:00

だから君の事が忘れないよ。

natsu no yuki.

2006-10-17T21:26:00.000+08:00

"Thousand of metres deep under the sea, the pure white summer snow."

i want to donate my organs next time when i die! yes, yes, yes, i'm quite sure as of now that i'm going to do it.

you know, i just figured that i've got so many many things i have to figure out in life. which is kind of splendid, isn't it?

and i guess that's when two become one.

slow slow slow.

2006-10-16T21:54:00.000+08:00

i am so so so slow.

hahaha this is so funny.

summer snow!

2006-10-13T13:15:00.000+08:00

omg summer snow! hahaha i want to watch i want to watch.

hahaha so exciting even though the show was way back in 2000. but i guess it must be good cos it set the trend to have all the summersnow autumnsnow or whatever you know it got really hot at a period of time.

anyway i haven't even watch beach boys yet. which is so asdfsdafda because it was so hot.

hahaha back to watching.

trust.

2006-10-13T03:35:00.000+08:00

after a few days of holidays, i'm starting to get used to having no school.

and i'm gonna have trouble going to school later on, with all that sleepiness sinking in and the stress of my receiving our results. and it sucks knowing that you've done badly even though you already expected it and it was your own fault.

i think i'm straining my laptop a bit too much. it's lagging like crazy now and those youtube videos took a damn long time to load. which explains why i'm not asleep at this time. because i just had to finish watching what was left and yeah, get over what i was watching.

which was so exciting! relived my memories.

anyway i realize that i kind of enjoy rewatching things from like, eight years ago? i think it's quite fun to watch again after some time and get a different feeling now that i'm older.

anyway i should sleep. i'm not an owl.

sick.

2006-10-09T15:37:00.000+08:00

i think i'm falling sick soon.

headache, stomach discomfort (growling but not the hungry type), tiredness, sleepiness and a bit of diarrhoea.

basically i have no mood to study for physics and i just want to rest but i can't because i need to study. and i'm feeling better after taking a nap just now anyway.

forbidden.

2006-10-08T22:44:00.000+08:00

if there's any song that you shouldn't hear during exam or competition period, it has got to be jay chou's 三年二班.

我不想就这样一直走每天都遇上充满敌意那种眼光
等机会就是要打倒对方这种结果我不要这虚荣的骄傲
这目的很好笑我其实都知道你只是想炫燿
我永远做不到你永远赢不了
我永远做不到你永远赢不了永远都赢不了

走乡下寻找哪有花香(为什么这么简单你做不到)
坐车厢朝著南下方向(为什么这种速度你追不到)
鸟飞翔穿过这条小巷(为什么这么简单你做不到)
仔细想这种生活安详(为什么这种速度你追不到)
不好笑不好笑不好笑不好笑不好笑不好笑

everytime when you listen to this part, you really feel like you cannot do it. hahaha at least this applies to me. especially when i'm doing stuff like math. woah really, i really feel as though 这么简单你做不到, 这种速度你追不到, 不好笑不好笑不好笑不好笑不好笑不好笑 and worst of all, 我永远做不到.

oh my god i am lousy enough i don't need anything else to put me down.

three words.

2006-10-06T19:19:00.000+08:00

广场一枚铜币悲伤的很隐密
它在许愿池里轻轻叹息
太多的我爱你让它喘不过气已经
失去意义
戒指在哭泣静静躺在抽屉
它所拥有的只剩下回忆
相爱还有别离像无法被安排的雨
随时准备来袭
我怀念起国小的课桌椅
怀念著用铅笔写日记
记录那最原始的美丽
记录第一次遇见的你(jay chou)
如果我遇见你是一场悲剧
我想我这辈子注定一个人演戏
最后再一个人慢慢的回忆
没有了过去我将往事抽离
如果我遇见你是一场悲剧
我可以让生命就这样毫无意义
或许再最后能听到你一句
轻轻的叹息后悔著对不起
如果我遇见你是一场悲剧
我轻轻的叹息
后悔着对不起

hazy days.

2006-10-06T18:53:00.000+08:00

"Pollutants Standards Index (PSI) level on Friday hit 80, the highest for the year.

However the National Environment Agency (NEA) says it is still in the moderate range and not a cause for concern."

-- Channel NewsAsia

what is wrong with NEA?!

if PSI level hits 100, we'll all have holidays. but it's already so hazy i can't take it.

等到放晴的那天也许我会比较好一点

disappointment.

2006-10-03T16:33:00.000+08:00

i think i am such a disappointment.

actually, i'm really not stupid. i'm really not stupid. but the thing is, i know this fact too well that i'm starting to think i'm smart, which I AM NOT, because i am just not stupid.

well you can give me tests and assignments or anything short term and i can do about average for it. but give me exams and i cannot take it, not because i am the nervous type, but because i'm the kind who don't study much and do badly because i've already forgotten what i had learnt or am out of practice.

when i was in primary school, though i wasn't one of the most hardworking, i remembered that i was pretty much okay. at least i remembered studying for psle, even though that was because my computer crashed at that time. but at least i remembered studying those little science notes and stuff like that and revising for exams?

so why am i like that now? i'm just growing lazier and lazier by the day and i don't even know what i am doing to my life.

ohwell i think the bad haze yesterday was a premonition that i wasn't going to do very well anyway.

what's making me feel so bad is that i know i have the capabilities to do it, but i can't do it because i am so lazy and irritating. and i can't afford to do that because i need to keep my options open, as somebody said to me.

it's not as if i dislike studying. to be honest, i'm actually quite neutral towards it. but the problem is...

i like other things better. i like wasting my time and playing stupid games and sleeping better. i am horrible.

someone told me the reason why she is able to spend so much of her time studying is because she likes what she is studying. hahaha i wonder when that is going to happen to me. as for now i don't dislike studying but i like doing stupid things much better so i only study for the results.

which is quite sad, if you ask me.

done, not well.

2006-10-02T18:24:00.000+08:00

hahaha i think i pretty much screwed up all the papers so far but the worst has yet to come (chemistry, biology, physics, math). hahaha and usually my marks go biology>chemistry>physics but now i'm not so sure cos of some teacher. and i hope i can rub off some of my neighbour's intelligence tmr and be super smart and accurate though it's probably not possible cos i haven't been practising much and my hand and brain is probably going to die cos there'll be a serious lack of time. and i have to force myself to revive when i remember that i have to study for chemistry.

actually screwing up my papers is not as bad as wasting my whole weekend doing nth because at least not doing well is not intentional! but wasting my time results in screwing up my papers. ah well at least i have my stupid special talent to be my pride.

and no matter what happens, i need to keep this in mind:

I AM VERY SMART. just that nanyang requires smarter.

move me.

2006-10-01T02:08:00.000+08:00

i want to watch Curse of the Golden Flower or The City of Golden Armour! whatever the name is.

i have a sudden realization that i have so many movies that i want to watch.

and it's pretty obvious that i have not been studying. ohno.

because it's you.

2006-09-30T17:25:00.000+08:00

"What makes Chou's music successful, and distinctive from all the boys who would be Jay, is that when he sings that he is hurting or yearning or that he needs you so bad, you believe him."

--TIME Asia

centris.

2006-09-30T15:38:00.000+08:00

my parents just bought a new house.

which will be done in about 3 years plus? anyhow the longer the better, i don't want to move so soon. plus rush jobs are usually very horrible, ie my current house.

lakeholmz is really lousy with a lousy name. less than one year of living inside, the house has rooms with the ceiling falling off. and the reception sucks. bet it'd start to rot sooner or later.

hahaha i want to watch umizaru!

tarte au citron!

2006-09-29T23:32:00.000+08:00

tarte au citron!

French pastries are very yummy.

e-learning!

2006-09-27T18:33:00.000+08:00

happy looking down on everybody else except yourself.

candy bar.

2006-09-25T22:17:00.000+08:00

i got my darling candy bar today!

very pretty.

love.

2006-09-23T23:01:00.000+08:00

if i know that i would die tomorrow, i would

probably waste life away because i have too many things i want to do that i wouldn't know where to start!
breathe and tell everyone i'm dying tomorrow so please come and have a last look at me!
confess to the people whom i love and tell the people i dislike that i don't dislike them anymore!
tell the people who dislike me to be happy because i'll no longer be on earth tomorrow.
say goodbye and prepare to die.

if i know that you would die tomorrow, i would

tell you all the things i love and hate about you, so that you can know how i feel about you before you die.
talk about all the things we've done together while we laugh and cry at the same time.
ask you about how you feel about me and be true about it since you are going to die tomorrow so it probably wouldn't matter if i start to hate you from that moment onwards.
do one last thing that means a lot to the both of us so that i can have one last happy memory of you.
leave time for you to hang out with some other people because you probably won't even want to spend time with me before you die.

limits.

2006-09-23T16:04:00.000+08:00

they say pushing the limits, i say 自知之明.

missed calls.

2006-09-23T13:38:00.000+08:00

shit i keep missing important calls from singpost and now i can only wait till monday to get news from them.

!!!

pray.

2006-09-20T20:47:00.000+08:00

for now, i can only pray and hope and wait.

fuck the whole world.

2006-09-20T18:09:00.000+08:00

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

right now i feel so frustrated. and down. and so cheated and i don't know what else. it's like the whole world is fine and when it's me such suay things happened. yes the whole world gets it except me, and i should have known it wasn't right when i received it last night, and bloody shit with singapore being a safe place, i hate singapore post now and i bloody fucking hate it and all those shitty postmen around who are fucking dishonest and if i see one right now i can go up to him and slap him on the face.

yes you fucking postman, i curse you with no hair and a face so ugly plastic surgery isn't going to be of help. and i curse you with body odour so strong that rats don't even want to be your friend and i hope you get fired soon. and most importantly i hope your conscience bites you every single day.

twins.

2006-09-19T21:58:00.000+08:00

hahaha sometimes i wished i had an identical and telepathic (!) twin to be there for me and understand how i feel. and then we can be super close and hang out together and do everything together. and we can hum the same songs without knowing and feel what the other half is feeling and be each other's mirrors. and i guess the coolest would be completing each other and compensating for each other's shortcomings.

but if i had a twin i probably wouldn't be as close to my sisters as i am now and people will start comparing and i dislike comparing.

ohwell i'm actually very worried right now.

rhyme.

2006-09-17T02:32:00.000+08:00

屋檐如悬崖风铃如沧海我等燕归来
时间被安排演一场意外你悄然走开
故事在城外浓雾散不开看不清对白
你听不出来风声不存在是我在感慨

梦醒来是谁在窗台把结局打开
那薄如蝉翼的未来经不起谁来拆

我送你离开千里之外你无声黑白
沉默年代或许不该太遥远的相爱
我送你离开天涯之外你是否还在
琴声何来生死难猜用一生去等待

闻泪声入林寻梨花白只得一行青苔
天在山之外雨落花台我两鬓斑白
闻泪声入林寻梨花白只得一行青苔
天在山之外雨落花台我等你来

一身琉璃白透明着尘埃你无瑕的爱
你从雨中来诗化了悲哀我淋湿现在
芙蓉水面采船行影犹在你却不回来
被岁月覆盖你说的花开过去成空白

梦醒来是谁在窗台把结局打开
那薄如蝉翼的未来经不起谁来拆

我送你离开千里之外你无声黑白
沉默年代或许不该太遥远的相爱
我送你离开天涯之外你是否还在
琴声何来生死难猜用一生...

我送你离开千里之外你无声黑白
沉默年代或许不该太遥远的相爱
我送你离开天涯之外你是否还在
琴声何来生死难猜用一生去等待

isn't it amazing to let your whole song rhyme like that? each phrase ends with a ~ai, apart from three words (two of which are repeated).

haha actually i only realized this because of mr. fei's clear enunciation and the way he emphasizes on every ~ai.

if only i can write half as well as that... which is kind of impossible, sigh.

communicate.

2006-09-16T19:39:00.000+08:00

hahaha i think it's really funny that we all understand each other's language but cannot communicate.

and funny how we can communicate without fully understanding each other's language.

perhaps it's the sincerity that makes the difference. sincerity goes a long long way!

boring.

2006-09-14T22:17:00.000+08:00

my life is very boring.

actually i blogged quite a lot yesterday but my laptop was running on low battery and i was too lazy to charge it. so the whole system just shut down and i still couldn't bothered.

had oral yesterday, i guess it's pretty okay. read a total of three kanjis wrongly but i'm glad that the questions the teacher asked were comprehensible. so i should be capable of passing, hopefully. i really want to score well for japanese now because i really like the language! yeah it was a bother in secondary 2 and the start of the year but now i'm starting to like third language as a whole already. and i'm very glad that i actually learn japanese from moelc instead from some external centre because i wouldn't study if i learnt the language elsewhere since it isn't reflected on my report book.

heeheehee JAPAN JAPAN JAPAN!

aye why is singapore so boring?! but small is good.

you've got mail.

2006-09-10T22:15:00.000+08:00

it's 134 and counting!

take 134 divided by 2, it's 67.

i guess i should be happy. 134 is quite a lot!

:)

sadly, memories fade.

I am stupid.

2006-09-09T02:28:00.000+08:00

我真的那么笨吗？

天有多高？地有多深？我有多笨？

我真的很笨。不要读书，一直浪费时间。

可是读了，也不见得我会懂，因为我要记住，我是个很笨的人。

有时候我在想，为什么我那么笨？！但因为我是个很笨的人，所以找不到这个问题的答案。

突然觉得发明华文的那个人真的很棒。因为对我来说，笨这个字听起来就很笨，看起来也很笨。形容我这种人，最适合。

但很庆幸的事，我虽然笨，但我有自知之明，没有到连自己很笨都不知道。这，应该就是我最聪明的一点吧。

说了那么多，你明白我在说什么吗？因为我这个人很笨，所以如果你不明白，这并非你的错。事实是，一个像我那么笨的人，有时候说的话，会让人无法理解。

对我么笨的人来说，要说这么多，打这么多字，实在是太费力了。所以如果你读到这里，一定要告诉我，因为我会很高兴的！

conniving.

2006-09-07T15:45:00.000+08:00

my sister is a very smart person.

because i didn't want to study, i went to pack my room. and then i realized that i have so many things, but nowhere to put them.

my sister has more things than i do, but she seems to be able to keep them in place and have enough room for her stuff. i guess i was a little confused until i realized that

she has stolen all my storage space! indirectly.

firstly, under our table, while she has four big ikea boxes stacked above one another, i have a freaking printer. that just eliminates one big area that i can use to store my things.

secondly, above our cupboards, while she has more medium-sized boxes stacked, all i have on my space are our trohpies and medals belonging to the both of us.

very smart of her. and very stupid of me to not realize. the best thing is that the printer and trophies belong to the both of us. so i have no excuse to not allow those things to be there cos i have ownership to them. and now its too late for me to make noise because i am the stupid one in the first place.

okay off to packing. i better find space for all my things soon.

!

2006-09-07T13:58:00.000+08:00

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

break.

2006-09-06T17:14:00.000+08:00

after experiencing no internet for god knows how long, i am back again.

and that pig of a sister didn't tell me that the internet could work again! i totally didn't know until i peeked at her computer about 15 minutes ago. but i've just checked my mail and received an email to know that i'm one of her favourite fourteen girls! true or not, i don't know, but i'd like to believe that it's true(!) and forgive her for that.

i haven't been using the computer for so long (since there isn't any connection) that i'm becoming a bit excited. i'm just one step away from hyperventilating.

actually these few days (without internet) have been pretty good. i've been lazing at home and am on my way to become a stone. no, i think stone would have been an understatement. i guess boulder would be a more appropriate term.

heehee i've done quite a bit of things since the last time i blogged.

um let's see. i had dinner with my primary school chinese teacher, which is one of the things i don't expect myself to do at all, because i am not the kind who will keep in touch with my teachers. but benita forced me to go so i went anyway, and it's crazy to see how everyone has grown physically into this generic mould of tall and skinny/slim, all except me. but i had a free treat at thai express which was yummy, and got to hear about hong lao shi and her cool black boyfriend. hahaha and how pl has become such a lousy school without human touch.

went back to pl the next day to look at all those little kiddies! and they now have shoes with stupid Paya Lebar M.G.S. (Primary) printed at the back, how amusing. anyhow met quite a bit of people, and we were strolling in the staff room while i read the names of teachers out loud and exclaimed that they should be honoured that we've come to visit since we're big shots now who have brought glory to the school. oh we ate lots of canteen food too which sucked, and took without permission ping pong balls from the school.

heehee, and i went to comex and was sponsored a camera! got olympus while my sister got nikon. and i thought since jeon ji-hyun was the spokesperson for olympus, maybe my camera would make me look a quarter as pretty as her, but i was disappointed all the same when i took a picture of myself and freaked out for 5 seconds. turned out that 7.1 megapixels isn't all that good, they'll only do a good job of making your pimples more obvious. oh and i got a thumbdrive which i think is very pretty! wanted to get my candybar mp3 there but it was so crowded and we didn't see the sony booth selling mp3 players so my sister and i got so sick we just wanted to go home. but i picked up 2 dollars on the way home which added on to my happiness hahaha.

oh, yesterday when i had an experience of being the worst dressed person walking around in bugis. even though i didn't stay there for long but i could be considered wearing sleeping attire while the whole world was dressed up nicely for work. and i was half an hour late for spans. after spans i got upset to know that almost everyone has heard the song zhoujielun sang with feiyuqing except meeeeeeee. everyone says the song is very niceeee and i'm the only toot kia who hasn't heard it yet. but i heard his other song already so it's okay, i can wait another two more days.

heeheehee and the best thing that happened today, was perhaps! being able to come online and check my mail to know that my birkenstocks have been shipped! and i would most probably receive them next week. isn't that happy! but that also means it's time for me to pay and for the people who have ordered to pay as well.

and i've decided to have this rule of not spending money, because i am going to spend so much on so many expensive things. i am going to bring food to school when school reopens and avoid spending money on food because i can spend them on better things. hopefully i'll have enough perseverance to make my plans work out even though they always fail everytime i embark on some stupid money-saving plan.

okay goodbye i am getting tired.

goodbye.

2006-08-29T19:43:00.000+08:00

it's funny how things can change in a matter of seconds.

goodbye.

100% positive.

2006-08-28T01:01:00.000+08:00

i'm positive that you did it, no matter how much i tried to convince myself that you didn't, and i don't know what to say but it sure tells a lot about you.

i won't allow myself to feel guilty ever again, because i can't quit associating negative things and you together now.

so goodbye, i am not nice. but i am not scared because i realized the only person i have to be true to is myself and i no longer have to care about the opinions anyone of you have about me anymore, because it's not even necessary in the first place. because i know i am a very lucky person who have people who stand by me, even if they may just be one or two, it's enough.

and i will try my best to study hard, not only because of eoys, not only because i need to, but because i want to. i admit i dislike studying, but it's gonna take up quite a part of my life, so i will make the best out of it. i shall stop getting influenced by my elder sister the lazy pig who doesn't study because i cannot afford to do so, i don't know what i want my life to be like yet (this is not an insult!). and i think i need to rub off some of my mugger characteristics of my eldest sister to survive nanyang and whatever killer stuff that is in store for me.

i am confident that i can do it because i am strong. i have a high threshold for pain now. :)

勇气。

2006-08-27T22:36:00.000+08:00

我不怕了！

pasta.

2006-08-27T21:10:00.000+08:00

watched The Devil Wears Prada yesterday. i thought it was pretty good. lots of pretty things to see and it was pretty glam.

plus i'd lots of free sponsors yesterday. made me fat and happy.

oh yeah, but i did sth really stupid yesterday. argh i can't believe it. i was so embarrassed and i felt really stupid. now i am not only fat and useless, i am fat, stupid and useless.

pesta sukan was today. and i was really power considering the fact that it officially starts at 9, and it was 8.18 by the time i woke up and brushed my teeth. and i spent 17.50 on cab fare which made my heart ached a lot, but i got a shirt and um a plastic medal?

oh, and i got my nails broken. now the nails on my ring finger are disgusting and they hurt.

and i've got punched in the eye. thank god i am not blind.

もっと。

2006-08-26T00:34:00.000+08:00

日本語日本語日本語！

今日、授業はとても悪い。私はとても眠いです。いつも寝ました。

来週、授業がありません。とても嬉しい！：））））））））

９月１３日、口述試験があります。やばい。

met cheryl at the bus stop today, and it's was really great to see her again. well we haven't seen or talked to each other for so long, i really missed the times when we talked to each other on the phone. sadly, we've been so busy with our own lives, and haven't been keeping in touch ever since the start of this year. she's slimmed down so much, i think i'm the only fat one around nowadays. :(

and we've been talking about meeting up with each other for so long but we didn't even do it. yeah, we don't even see each other around although our schools are just next to each other. until today that is. hahaha. anyhow i don't know how nj works and neither does she know how ny works so yeah, teeheehee. anyway i'm happy that she still remembers our $10 bet. i am so gonna win it! :))))))))

hahaha my sister just told me about her witnessing some operation where the guy had piles on his butt and then he farted before the operation started and the paper under his butt flew away. heehee so funny.

teeheehee.

2006-08-25T15:45:00.000+08:00

i guess you won't ever understand.

teeheehee, it's friday already.

still left with japanese lessons later on, and i'm actually supposed to do my horribly late composition now. sadly i've lost my half written piece and i'm not ever going to rewrite. i've gone through that once already, but i stopped halfway for that all the same, before i found my old piece.

oh yeah, this few days i've been trying to put my good-student-business into practise. but i've been forgetting to bring my pencil case for two consecutive days. special thanks to kaiyun, siyu, vinette and kendra for providing me with stationeries.

coffeebean makes one feel good. and so does um, dahfa dried fish fillet. i like that because it's cheap and good. and it's easily found everywhere.

ohohoh! oven-baked chips (?) are fabulous. alright i don't know the exact name but go try them! actually they're more of biscuits than chips, but whatever, it's zero trans fats!

pesta sukan on sunday. whoopee i'm playing people like majun. so fun and my whole sunday is gonna be taken up = great fun.

realized a whole great deal of things yesterday. i guess i'm going to practise censorship from now on. or maybe i'll change my url, heehee.

coffeebean.

2006-08-23T23:11:00.000+08:00

coffeebean makes me go high.

caffeine, caffeine, caffeine!

oh no, i think i'm starting to get hooked.

is caffeine a kind of drug?

just stop.

2006-08-23T20:44:00.000+08:00

i guess what i thought was true after all.

i really didn't want to think that way, but i think today kind of showed a lot of things.

i don't have the confidence to carry on anymore.

i'm tired. physically, mentally.

oh yeah, i bought shoes today. finally. was pretty quick (considering it's me) plus it was a good buy! i guess it's one of the few things that made me a teeny weeny bit happy.

stopstopstopstopstopSTOP.

if you even get it.

2006-08-23T00:03:00.000+08:00

《世事难料》

我努力抓紧世界，
最后却仍被世界淘汰，
如果一开始就松手，
我会不那么伤心吗？
你说，亲爱的孩子，
世事难料，随它去吧！

终究是什么都抓不住的，
终究是要闭上眼，随风去的。
为什么一定要坚持到最后呢？

— 几米，《布挂的世界》

the world is unfair.

2006-08-22T23:17:00.000+08:00

i like to imagine myself to be someone else totally different. someone better, much better.

or someone who has taken different paths in life, right from the start.

but i wake up; only to realize that isn't possible.

i've been like this for years, and every time i wake up, i just drift back again, just to make myself a teeny weeny bit happier, heehee.

yanyan has a new flavour, cream cheese. tried it today.

broken, broken, broken.

2006-08-22T10:05:00.000+08:00

going, going, gone.

名言 from yesterday (according to time):

penny's 名言：我们受不了了！为什么整天是我们？

beatty's 名言 (the classic)： Since he says he wants to solve the problems right, then we create more problems for him to solve lah!

melissa: okay, i am bullying you and penny, so later i push the both of you.
penny: (rolls eyes) don't be stupid lah!
(after one second)
penny: okay okay okay, push me NOW!

melissa's 名言: she's dirty, she's dirty, don't touch her!

didn't sleep for the whole sunday night and monday morning, busy rushing out dang an. surprisingly i was very relaxed, even though i was only going on caffeine, cos i guess homework cannot be compared to the stress i faced with rika, otherwise known as the four letter word now. in the wee hours of the morning i was getting high! but i guess i exhausted my chinese side of the brain a bit too much, now i can't seem to make much use of it anymore.

thank god, we didn't go shopping at turf city yesterday! (refer to 14 August 2006, Turf City Madness)

week 10 is the last time i'm caring.

you think you know a lot (i'm quite surprised actually) but you don't see the whole lot of things going through our minds. you talk about solving problems, but you are just like us, taking the easy way out.

i guess it's only deemed mandatory as well.

tee hee hee.

2006-08-21T01:27:00.000+08:00

i don't know why, but at this time, i'm getting high.

that is sort of catchy. =)

i've lots of homework left, and judging from the time now, i guess it's no sleep tonight. but right up till now i'm still man man lai, and if i continue this speed, i think i won't be able to complete the work i need to by the time i need to reach school.

but so what?

i guess i'm a lot more relaxed now, because i only have to care for myself at this moment, and the thought of eating bread while walking to the bus stop later on thrills me.

it may sound stupid, but i realized that i like to eat my breakfast while rushing to the bus stop! it's a habit that i've taken a liking to. and i haven't done that for a goddamn 17 days!

teeheehee. i think it's the caffeine.

teeheehee. i think i need to get back to my work. and i should stop blogging because it's affecting my current chinese-analytical-mind.

teeheehee.

horror movies.

2006-08-20T16:09:00.000+08:00

you are starting to get very scary.

stop thinking that everyone is ignoring you, open up your ears and listen, and hold on if you hear that the person is talking to someone else.

i think i sound a little disrespectful, but you are becoming really scary, i can't really take it anymore.

on love, in sadness.

2006-08-19T23:29:00.000+08:00

i hate people for using penny.blogspot, penny.livejournal, xanga.com/penny. they don't even update their blogs! for goodness' sake, can't they just delete their account.

because i figured that owning a penny.blogspot or a penny.livejournal or a xanga.com/penny would be quite cool. and i cannot satisfy this sudden urge i have. :(

grrr.

scary.

2006-08-19T20:45:00.000+08:00

my grandfather is really scary, i wonder how my grandmother handles him.

and i wonder about couples in old age, is their marriage still sustained by love?

i don't know.

but i know my grandfather definitely cannot live without my grandmother, and i don't think my grandmother can live without him either.

i guess this is bliss in some way.

goodbye.

2006-08-18T23:30:00.000+08:00

you know the cheesy quote which goes:

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out."

i used to think this was really cheesy and all. but now i realized that it's actually very true, because it applied to me in an opposite way. i don't dislike rika, but i dislike the person i am when i am with her.

today felly told me something. made me think quite a bit. well i think we just didn't understand each other the correct way, and in a way i was expecting too much as well. but the thing is we have nothing in common, so we don't really click and that's the sad part about it. perhaps you can say it was a mismatch and all, i don't know.

anyway i think i am becoming a bit more normal again. still recovering but i didn't really mean all those mean comments i said in the morning. anyway the morning was really quite cool.

woke up at 3.40, rika was awake at i don't know what time. i don't know how i managed to wake up, haha. then we had to go to the airport and jie fu tagged along as well, because they wanted to see someone else off later. we were late and it was actually quite good because we could save the trouble and cut queue to join the rest of the japanese students, haha. then we just sent them off and yumi kept waving back. she gave yuhan her yukata! because her bag had no more space. rika didn't turn back and wave at all, i think she was glad that she could finally go home and get away from me. ohwells. i was saying things about how the quiet kind can be the most potent sometimes.

after that i was fretting about getting to school cos i heard from weiting that the mrt at changi only starts at 7. o.O luckily i got to hitch a ride from aunty nicky and saved up on cab fare. i can tell you that cab fares are one of the most terrorizing things. and i got to school really early, around 6.20 and i've never gone to school so early before. the nj side gate wasn't even opened so i told xiaowen to come in with me and we basically tried to study but ended up talking. anyway i realized that going to school really early is quite cool, you'll get a very good environment to study/do homework.

oh, and this will most probably be the last time i'll keep in touch with the people of the exchange programme. pretty upsetting actually, we've gone through quite a lot, complaining about our hosts and guests and understanding each other, and comparing each other's plight, haha. (it's quite surprising that i said this. ha.)

the rest of school was okay. but i was really sleepy esp. lessons with james tan. hahaha i pissed him off and he pissed me off as well. but he's old already so i don't expect him to understand how tough it is to wake up early in the morning not to study but to go the the airport then going to school, it's quite a different feeling. plus his lessons are boring. come on i didn't even sleep that much during math, only during the breaks when neighbour was wasting time, so i think that shows how boring jamestan is.

oh physics test was okay. i mean i had imagined it to be a lot tougher, like undoable or sth. this must be another surprising fact that i said. i mean there were questions i didn't know how to do, but yeah i could do most of the questions. i really hope i pass and have at least an average score this time. i'll be really sad if i fail. :(

third lang was horrendous. listening became using my pencil to circle whatever shouko circled. i really tried to stay awake but it was really bad, i really couldn't make it. i didn't even know listening had started. and i didn't understand how joyce could survive, until she told me she ponned school today(!) too bad i had physics, couldn't do the same. actually i should have skipped PCCG and LA, hahaha.

oh yeah my sister's back from hongkong and the way she spends is crazy. like one jacket cost 100 and she can go get two of them and one really expensive watch. and she didn't get for me anything :( but she bought a lot of jelly, got me addicted.

anyway kettle chips suck because they don't have small packaging. by the time you finish trying all the flavours, you'll be fat and broke already.

i feel less restricted now that rika's gone, and i'll feel this way whether i like her or not. now i can play music and sing all the random lines and hyperventilate whenever i want. and do gross stuff like digging my nose anytime, ahahaha.

okay i think i need to pore pack soon.

thanks.

2006-08-17T23:24:00.000+08:00

thanks to everybody who cared about me, in one way or another. made me feel a lot better and stronger.

because i know that i'm not alone and it doesn't make me feel that lonely anymore.

and i'm sorry if i scared anyone and i know i've been really scary because i scared the hell out of myself too. i've never felt this way before, so i'm really scared actually.

and i'm sorry to anyone i was mean to these few days, to anyone i snapped at or vent my frustration at. i'm really sorry because i don't know what's wrong with me these days.

A BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN NICE TO ME, TELLING ME EVERYTHING'S OKAY AND WILL BE ALRIGHT. THANKS FOR EVERYTHING YOU PEOPLE HAVE DONE, NO MATTER BIG OR SMALL, BECAUSE IT REALLY MEANT A LOT TO ME.

anyway it was pretty fun just now, my sister saw that she had difficulty with her packing, so we offered to help, and turned out she couldn't close her luggage. and after that everyone just started laughing and all, because apparently it was very interesting and funny. and my sister and i started talking about my mother and laughing at her obsession with the biscuits she gave rika, telling us to tell her that she MUST hand-carry the food. and then my sister was being an idiot so everything's funny and all. then my grandmother came and kaypoh and offered to give her canned luncheon meat, because she appeared to like them a lot during dinner today. hahaha, and rika was so scared about bringing food to the airport and her luggage being overweight, and we were all telling her that's there won't be any problem, haha. so i'm really glad that it's ending in a good note, because i guess that's important. to me at least.

i hope i'll be better soon. and i hope i'll be normal enough soon again.

last night.

2006-08-17T20:08:00.000+08:00

it's the last night.

somehow i feel a sense of relief. it's all going to end soon in a matter of hours.

to sum it up i don't think it was a good experience. i think it hurts when you try hard to interact with the person, hoping that both will have a fun time and become friends, only to realize that the other party doesn't care and you just give up.

i accept it. we have nothing in common.

for the whole of 17 days, i felt so restricted. and i can't possibly put the blame on her, because i guess you can't blame anyone of us. we had nothing in common. maybe she didn't try hard enough and i took the wrong approach towards interacting with her, or maybe she just took a look at me and concluded that i was fat and she doesn't want to make friends with fat people.

but i really, really dislike her insensitivity. i don't know how someone can stay with somebody for quite some time and not care a damn about her. she doesn't even help me pick up paper i drop on the floor.

it's all ending soon, so this is something to be happy about.

was really angsty and emo this morning, couldn't help it but i felt as though the whole world was bleak and i don't know why but i was pissed with the whole world. and then i started crying periodically, like whenever i mention anything i'll just start crying. i think it's totally incredible that she is able to reduce me to a total wimp and weakling, because today morning was really terrible and i was really going to break under all the stress. and as usual she didn't give a damn, put on her usual stoning face, but i really couldn't be bothered already. i've never felt like this before, even when school or anything was really stressful i would just cry alone without people knowing. and i wouldn't even cry, i'll just slog through the night or resign to fate and hand in late work.

and i was absolutely serious when i said that i was happy because there aren't going to be any LA compo timed trial or anything, because if there was going to be one, i'm just going to write fucker in different handwriting and colour and hand in to james tan.

became better after chinese period, much much better, but still not normal.

well i think she's so powerful in a way because she's contributed a lot to transforming me into the bitch i am now. this 17 days can even be considered as a trauma. i don't even talk much as compared to in the past now. i despise myself even, and i'm really scared i'm going to stay this way forever because i don't want to, i seriously don't want to. i don't want to remain this bitch i am now, because when i say mean comments nowadays i really mean it, not like in the past when i was just talking cock. and i'm really scared because there may be a high possibility that i might just remain like that, and i don't want this to happen. couldn't stop thinking about this during pe, so i teared during warmups and listening to miss sabrina talk. and during the game when i said anything that i usually said very naturally in the past, i felt really really weird, i don't know why but i felt that it wasn't me. i became this girl engulfed in sadness or something, well i don't know i don't know i really don't know.

i don't know why hosting turned out like that. well at least it is going to end on a good note (i hope).

but i don't think i'll ever regret this programme, because i had a really fun and good time in japan, and no matter good or bad, this hosting has indeed been an experience for me. well i'll just say that i'm unlucky this time and the something-that-had-happened-twice-will-happen-a-third-time logic doesn't work all the time. (i believe in that logic because a lot of things in my life had worked this way. somehow.)

somehow sitting beside zhuoxuan during chinese culture and talking to her made me feel better, haha. maybe it was because we were helping each other.

well physics is tomorrow, and i shall go study now since my cramps have become better.

i hope i will be better when i go to school on monday.

scared.

2006-08-17T00:22:00.000+08:00

i'm really scared.

i'm changing, and i don't know if it's because of you. i don't know if i can put the blame on you but i'm turning into this really horrid person whom i don't like at all.

well, i've been saying that you're horrible but i just realized that i'm such a horrible person as well.

i don't want to think about this anymore.

i'm crying.

please get lost.

2006-08-16T23:14:00.000+08:00

i dislike you more and more with each day i spend with you.

so go away, i won't miss you

all all.

go back and suck your momma's milk and play tennis until the ball hits your face.

i mean it. just go back go back go back.

because you exist, so i cannot treat you as though you are non-existant. i'm not that kind of person, and i can never be like that.

i almost exploded today, and i think she knows.

that's the reason why she talked to choonmin only, i think.

but i wished you would just go back, because you are just making realize all the negative things about you.

i concluded that these 17 days had been and will be a total waste of my time, energy and money.

and what made me dislike you so badly, isn't just yesterday. i guess i've been suppressing for so long until yesterday, when i couldn't take it anymore.

so go go go. you are causing me to make my grandmother angry. you are causing me to vent my frustrations on others. you are causing me to become a really horrible person.

and too bad if you think i'm scary or whatever. because i hope you are just so scared of everything else, you've just be scared your whole life.

today joyce just summed up everything. WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON AT ALL.

but the dinner was actually quite okay. because we're all hosting so we can pretty much understand each other. well some of the japanese are really nice and some are okay, i think yuhan's one is pretty nice in a way, very chatty and all. even though she falls into the small-eyes-with-single-eyelids-without-specs category, haha.

i talked to quite a lot of japanese, except my whole guest.

but now that i think back, i can totally think of the many times she made faces at me. today she made a face again, according to lee qi.

oh well, one day more. and i hope that when she's gone i can become normal again.

sensitivity.

2006-08-16T12:03:00.000+08:00

you wish people would practise sensitivity on you, while you don't practise sensitivity on others.

too bad now, i'm not gonna care about you anymore.

yesterday we went to night safari! it was amazing, even though i felt as though i was alone with someone following behind. but i really didn't care already, she was tired and sometimes she just didn't want to watch anymore but really, i couldn't be bothered. after all i spent 42 dollars on a single trip there! and she was the one who said she wanted to go.

but it was really nice, you could see so many animals. i love the rhino which was so wrinkly and near and the hippos which looked like big boulders in the water, and the really handsome malayan tiger, which made very horny sounds (to me at least) and the fox which looked so majestic. gosh the deers were so near the tram! and the male elephant tusk was so long and nice. and i love the white stripes on the bongo! so pretty. the bats were big and hairy and we could go so near them, haha. all in all it was a good trip, even though we missed the animal show. :( i wouldn't mind going to night safari again! in fact i would love to.

now i don't like zoo anymore! i like night safari, so cute.

sigh we have to go to carlton hotel later, which sucks. i want to stay at home.

fuck off.

2006-08-15T14:41:00.000+08:00

if you failed bio test, or any other tests, read this. it'll make you feel better, really.

i flunked bio test. really badly.

that makes me sad. but something else's worse.

the fact is that i didn't study for the test because i had to entertain the japanese girl. she came on wednesday night, and the test was on thursday. and my family kept bothering me about her, and when everything was settled, i was really tired. (okay, my sister helped me by watching tv with her, i must credit that. thanks a lot.) so i kinda gave up on bio test already, like i expected myself to fail it. so the next day came and the test was really bad and i was making a big fuss out of it, and she just remained quiet and didn't say anything. okay, maybe that was the first day, she was shy, very shy, she didn't know what to say. i'll let that rest.

and that's not the worst. the thing that made me feel the worst is this:

today is the 14th day. these 14 days, she's been staying in my house, sleeping in my room, following me around, i've been providing food and lodging, my maid's been washing her clothes. she had spent most of her 14 days with me. logically, i'm ~~supposed to be~~ am the person she is closest to in singapore apart from the japanese students who came as well. so you can say that i am her closest singaporean friend.

we received our bio test today.

so as you know, i flunked it real bad. and leeshanshan showed the marks of the whole class on the projector. and i think it's quite international that A is good and F is fail. and even if you don't know that you would know that when the colour of your marks is different it means a bad thing. and maybe she knows that, but she just didn't see the name MWTP in bold. okay, i excuse her for that.

but you can totally see it from my paper right? you can judge from my facial expressions right? you can see that i am sad right?

i am absolutely fucking sure that it is international that :) means happy and :( means sad.

she didn't even care. she didn't even mutter a word to me. she didn't even give me a pat on my back or did anything at all. SHE JUST FUCKING SAT THERE AND STONED AND TRIED TO COPY THE CORRECTIONS PUT UP ON THE PROJECTOR EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND ANYTHING AT ALL.

that's what making so upset. and now that i think about it, this bio test is my worst test ever in my whole secondary school life. i didn't even do that badly for math. yes, biology. i can say that biology is one of my favourite subject in school and even though leeshanshan is an asshole of a teacher I STILL LIKE BIOLOGY. yes, I STILL DO.

and she doesn't even care a damn. i've been providing her food and lodging for 2 weeks, and 2 weeks is a freaking long time. if you don't think 2 damn weeks is long enough you can go ask mr tang the judo coach. and after school i already felt really bad and she came and approached me and the only thing she said?

(in japanese) "can i go with my friend?"

all i said was "gogogo". and she ran off with her friend and giggled. i really couldn't take it. like what the fuck that was the only thing she said to me? if all you wanted was to say that to me then i suggest you just run off with your friend and don't come back.

yes i am very mean. i am very mean because i had told myself before i received bio paper that i will treat her better in the remaining days to come. even though there's going to be chinese culture and physics test, i am going to treat her better. but i changed my mind completely 15 minutes after i received back my biology paper. what is the point for treating her nicely or trying to treat her nicely when she doesn't even care a damn about me?

if she had just ask me 'are you alright?' in japanese or given me a pat on the back, i would feel much much better. i don't expect her to do anything big, just ask me a simple question, and i'll be much better already. but she didn't care at all. she just sat there and did nothing.

winifred wouldn't do that. i wouldn't do that. ryo and yo wouldn't do that. ryo even wrote in her diary one day that i wasn't feeling too well and she was sad.

yes i am comparing because i cannot take it any longer. even though i do think about them, i had never compared them to her before. this is the first time and i don't even think it's a comparison between all the people i had met before and her. because i think almost all normal people who spent almost 2 weeks with a girl in a foreign land would do that. even if they didn't know what to do they would just ask or express concern in one way or another.

it's not a communication problem. it's because she doesn't care at all.

so i have given up. i am going to study for my tests and i'm not going to care about her. this time it's real. the most i'll do is to bring her to night safari tonight and gather my family members to take photo with her. and if i'm feeling nicer, i might bring her to watch umizaru 2. this time i'm serious. i'm no longer going to care about how she feels or try to decipher how she feels. if she's going back to japan hating me then go on and hate me. just hurry up go back and get lost. and i won't ever feel guilty about being bad to you. i won't feel guilty about you ever again. it's no use sacrificing anything for you at all.

it's bad enough that i failed my test and you don't even care. but it's the worst when i failed my bio test because of you (fine you can say that i should have know and managed my time well enough but the only thing i am going to say to you is shut up) and you don't give a damn at all when i am supposedly the person you are closest to in singapore.

come to think of it. the only time she had ever made conversation with me is when she's asking about herself herself herself. okay she asked me about whether i had a microwave at home and cooked for me, thank you very much, but now that i think about it she most probably cooked for my family because her mother or whoever told her to do so.

so i don't care anymore. she's not excused for anything at all because i don't think she's so stupid that she doesn't know what's going on.

wish me all the best on physics test. and i am determined to do well for it as a way to celebrate the end of this homestay programme. i think i am going to celebrate in changi airport on friday treating myself to a good breakfast. and if my sister has time i don't mind treating her to breakfast as well.

and thanks to the great Ks for the card, vinette for offering me food, melissa for the sms-es, yuhan and everybody who showed concern and all, even though i know vinette and kaiyun didn't score very well either (i understand the mark kaiyun got was really lousy for her even though it's wayyyyy higher than mine, because she's always been good in bio and so interested in all so yeah.)

yes, so just fuck off and get away. 14 days and you don't show any sense of gratitude or concern or friendliness or whatever it is. i'm so sad because i'm so disappointed in you. that's the main reason why i'm sad, not bio test or the fact that leeshanshan looks down on me (i could hear it from the tone she said my name), not because i have to go for biology remedial. yes, you, even though i've been saying lots of mean things about you but i liked you, at least a bit. now i don't anymore. but i don't hate you either because you are not worth the effort.

hurt.

2006-08-14T21:01:00.000+08:00

first day of week 8, not surviving.

many thanks to tablemate king kong tang today, she made my day much better by listening to me talk about things i wanted to fart out for quite some time. really needed someone to just hear me out and let me talk and i feel so much better knowing that someone else knows as well. even though it wasn't really very long and all but it made me feel a whole lot more comfortable. yes, kay tee, you made me happy today! and we are all suckers for romance and sappy stuff, love to see your expression when i tell you some touching tv show/movie. awwww is this paragraph sappy enough! love you kendra, just like how much you love and always think about me.

training today was... WOW. we jogged all the way to turf city and did exercises up the slope and jogged all the way back through a different route. it was tiring. and i had to train with my school shoes because i currently have no sports shoes at all, so my feet hurt really bad and they felt like they were burning. i really thought i couldn't make it back, but thanks to beatty who jogged with me, i survived. gi training was okay but i think we all felt as though we had no energy. an experience anyway, and it'll make us stronger.

goodbye.

4+4+1?

doctor or killer.

2006-08-13T22:48:00.000+08:00

my sister just tried to kill me. she lied to me about taking my blood but she kept digging into my skin with the needle and i told her to just get it out.

not that it's really painful but i don't trust her. because i don't regard her as my doctor and neither does she regard me as her patient. in any case i didn't die nor get hiv so i'm pretty safe, haha.

you may be hurt but i am hurt too, just to let you know. if you even know that i'm referring to you.

oh my god.

2006-08-13T14:04:00.000+08:00

oh my god, oh my god.

i just made the wrong choice by telling rika to watch the repeat telecast of ndp.

because my grandfather is outside too and he's bombarding me with questions.

and that's not the worse part. the thing is, he repeats the same questions over and over.

(in chinese)

grandfather: how come both of you don't seem to talk much?

me: she's very quiet.

grandfather: oh so she doesn't like to talk much. how long is she going stay?

me: 17 days.

grandfather: is she from the school or did you invite her?

me: she's from the school.

grandfather: oh, how long is she going to stay?

me: 17 days. SEVENTEEN DAYS.

grandfather: how come both of you don't seem to talk much?

me: she is very quiet.

grandfather: what language does she speak?

me: japanese.

grandfather: do you talk to her? how come both of you don't seem to talk much?

me: she's very quiet.

grandfather: what language does she speak?

me: japanese.

grandfather: so she's from japan. how long is she going to stay here?

me: seventeen days.

grandfather: do you receive money?

me: yeah, from the school.

grandfather: where is she from?

me: japan.

grandfather: then you can learn the language from her! how long is she going to stay?

me: yeah, 17 days.

grandfather: how come you don't seem to talk much?

me: she's watching tv.

and it goes on...

oh my god. thank god my grandmother came and sat down with us! if not i don't think he'll ever stop. now he has quieten down a bit. i was really about to cry. couldn't even do my physics sia.

he's so scary, really. and i don't want to talk about the conversation one we had one night.

thank god for my grandmother. who can be really nice, and really irritating sometimes. oh well, i like to remember the nice parts better.

unforgotten.

2006-08-13T10:12:00.000+08:00

i just visited my livejournal, and saw this from a very long time ago:

"you've gotta weigh your priorities, and that's a purely personal (maybe even selfish) choice.

but i've weighed mine, and some have shifted.
but the most important thing is that i'm happy and satisfied with my choices.

are you?"

is it only when we have lost, then your priorities shift again?

if that's the case, then i suggest you don't.

i'm sorry, but i realized some things cannot be forgotten

that easily.

you have a long way to go.

it's not that you cannot do it, but what have you done?

358.

2006-08-12T14:46:00.000+08:00

yesterday was eventful.

school was okay. got to know about all the deadlines.

went a little crazy after school. all rika did was laugh.

and third language was bad. yeo sensei caught me with my phone.

went to meet baka after third lang at cityhall, had ben&jerry's and chippy.

the fireworks were good. but it was really stuffy and you could see rika's face turning redder than it already was.

and one of the worse things when watching fireworks is free and unwanted commentaries.

"okay, girl you see, the fireworks got a lot of patterns. got the fall down one, the shoot up very high one, wah you see this golden one!

girl, you see this one! so many different colour!"

seriously, just let your daughter watch in peace.

after that it was real squeezy and we went to have a drink before rika couldn't take it and had to go home. and daphne moo the driver took really long to get to the busstop because suntec car park was so packed. rika was almost sleeping at the busstop already.

home was disastrous. my mother came shouting at us because we were supposedly back very late but she doesn't care that she's even later herself usually. rika was scared i think. oh well it was my mum's birthday and we were supposed to go out for supper. but after that everything was quite okay and i was laughing at my mum again. supper was good and it was quite funny actually.

about rika. i think i am nice to her but it's just sad that we're so different. i don't think i'll ever become good friends with her and i don't think we'll keep in touch after she goes back like i did with my host in japan. it's pretty obvious when i don't even dare to touch her stuff after 11 days at my house. i feel so restricted and it's like i'll have to adapt to her lifestyle more than she adapting to mine. and i detest light sleepers because they wake up at the slightest noise and make you feel guilty. and i can't seem to joke with her either because she'll just get confused. well everybody says she's cute but cute is cute only.

okay goodbye and i need money.

:(

2006-08-11T13:23:00.000+08:00

and i'm always last on your mind.

oh fuck it.

it's chinese now and i am supposed to do xiao xiao shuo but i'm starting to get tired due to staying up so late last night. but i don't regret though, i've finally watched the movie i wanted to watch so long ago.

i hope i can survive through third lang later.

chinese sia is supposedly due today but my eyes hurt from reading one whole paragraph of chinese i don't understand. it's crazy, i'm supposed to be good in chinese.

i guess i am easily forgettable as well.

spoilers.

2006-08-11T02:58:00.000+08:00

oh my god, i spoilt the movie by knowing too much about it!

all the spoilers! just because i wanted to watch it a long time ago and couldn't find it. now i spoil my movie.

it was nice, nevertheless. very romantic. i still cried close to the end (not a lot) even though i knew what was going to happen.

ohmy, the guy is damn sweet and nice to her! and i think he looks good.

it could be a lot nicer actually. but i spoilt it by knowing too much about it so... too bad for me.

and i decided that an architect for a lover is not too bad, can dedicate your dream house to you.

earmuffs! =)

left out.

2006-08-10T22:03:00.000+08:00

all that just made me feel worse.

but you don't realize, do you?

not any single one of you.

things won't be the same anymore.

well, all of you have each other, i have myself.

and that's enough, i hope.

yesterday was quite fun.

sigh.

2006-08-10T18:28:00.000+08:00

okay, i need a place to vent.

all of a sudden i feel as though i've got really little friends, and an extra burden.

i know i'm really mean but i'm so sick and tired of everything already.

i don't feel like caring anymore and i hate myself for that because i know i'll still care.

well you're nice but nice is such a forgettable trait and it makes you easily forgettable as well.

and i don't feel like blogging anymore because i want people to see my previous post.

birkenstocks.

2006-08-08T19:47:00.000+08:00

no, i'm not over it yet.

hello people who are interested in buying birkenstocks, please contact me. i'll give you better deals than birkenstock singapore.

*Click here to view the current collection available!*

*Click here to view the spring/summer collection 2007 available!*

it's pretty confirmed that i'm going to buy from the tobias mayer shop already, because i have found sufficient shoes to qualify for the free shipping. as for the spring/summer collection, i really hope i can find three more buyers, because i am quite interested in a pair, and if i can find three more buyers, then i can let bernice have flower stitch sunlight or virgin whisper (i still have priority to choose). plus the spring/summer collection is on 10% discount now! so it's a really really good deal.

so if you're interested, please contact me! through any ways and means available. because i am nice and birkenstocks are nice and you want them.

i'll most probably make my purchases by the end of next monday. it takes around 8-10 days for them to process the order and 8-12 days for delivery for the current collection available. as for spring/summer collection 2007, as it is considered as pre-order, the estimated shipping date would be end december 2006.

buffer.

2006-08-07T23:09:00.000+08:00

i am currently waiting for my movie to be done with buffering.

i cannot wait!

in the meanwhile, i shall go and cut my toenails.

i'm sorry.

2006-08-05T23:45:00.000+08:00

today was tiring.

had bloody biology lessons in the morning, and i really am starting to not listen during bio class. i don't even know if what she's teaching is necessary or not. and yes, that means a lot to me because i am already stupid enough to manage what's tested in the syllabus, much less enrichment. people say it's good to know more and enrich yourself, but no, singapore doesn't judge how good you are in your biology by how much you know, but rather, what you've gotten for your exam. so one has to abide and live by the singaporean pragmatic way of life.

passing out was afterwards. old seniors came back, we threw each other. oh well, it'll be us next year. and sir is indeed unique, i was telling my sister about the cutting of ties, and she was like 'yeah, cos people invite him to their wedding and he bu shuang cos he has to give angpow.' hahaha.

jiahui has very good seaweed in her house. spent time at her house listening to 'stairway to heaven' storyline, and using the computer, and most importantly, eating seaweed. yumyum.

the rest of saturday was spent going out with rika. fetched her and went to j8 for a while with joyce, lynn and wei ting. joyce's japanese girl, also by the name of rika, likes johnny depp! OMG. and she watched pirates already, i think i'm the only toot kia who hasn't watched it yet.

met my sister and jiefu afterwards. rika was so funny when she asked me whether the guy in the car was my father. laughed like hell because jie fu isn't even half my dad's age. couldn't stop mentioning it after that. went to eat at crystal jade and it was freaking hilarious because my mother was so funny. and the funniest thing was that she doesn't even know it. and the three of us (my sister, jie fu and i) laughed like nuts and i don't think rika knew what was going on. but she didn't like the food over there, it was pretty obvious. anyway the waiter at crystal jade was really aggressive, but nobody realized except for jie fu and i. so we just kept laughing until the end of dinner, and after that we went to ntuc to go shopping! and we went to the arcade for a while but i got chased out because i was wearing half school uniform. sian lah, people poor, like to wear uniform go out also cannot.

sigh. i tell you i am becoming a monster. because i was telling my sister about sir, and then i realize i am starting to become a bit like him. the part about assuming what others are like just because he is like it.

ohwell, i have grown to be more understanding towards people. today we all found out that this is her first time overseas, and i really mean first time. she has never gone out of the country even with her family. (don't ask me why, her family should be quite rich. dad is some board of directors. and i don't know why her parents allow her to go for her first overseas trip alone.) and yeah, she's shy and too polite, but she's nice enough already. not horribly stuck-up, and i guess she's pretty understanding. well, even though i would like someone to make herself comfortable in my house, like what i did in japan, i should know that she's not like me. and she opened up quite a lot yesterday, at least she told us what she likes and dislikes (through prompting) but it's good enough already.

so yeah, i'll try to be nicer over the next 13 days.

homestay?

2006-08-05T00:55:00.000+08:00

homestay started on 2nd august, and ends at 18 august, if i'm not wrong that is.

if you ask me, honestly, i'm kind of looking forward to the 18th.

call me mean, or that i just cannot make it, but really, i had enough of people the last few days.

okay, fine. i admit.

I SUCK.

yes, hosting has deflated my ego a lot, a lot.

yeah, fine, i'm mean. i'm not meticulous enough, not nice enough, not kind enough, not good enough, not smart enough to know how to host a person.

people just keep telling me that i cannot make it, i'm mean and i'm earning money from this. for goodness' sake, you don't know how tiring it is to think of stuff to talk about all the time. and it's not like as if you can think of a topic and strike up a conversation and engross yourself in it. no, because she is so quiet that i don't even know if she wants me to talk or not. i don't even know if she feels irritated and just wants me to shut up when i'm talking to her, or asking her a question. the most she replies is one or two sentences, and the only times i remember her talking to me first is when she asks me to give her hangers, or ask me how much lunch was. i know, my japanese isn't all that good to converse fluently, but at least i try to make an effort. maybe that's the reason stopping her from talking to me, i have no idea. but she appears to be so scared of me that i'm scared of her too.

but really, i am not you, i cannot ask generic questions all the time. i cannot look at her and exclaim that she is cute and take 5 seconds to think of how to say kawaii. i am with her almost 24/7, i can't ask her if the food is delicious all the time, and wait for her to nod or shake her head. or ask her if it's fun or if she's bored, and wait for response. no, because if you keep asking a person questions, i don't think she's gonna be too happy with you. and our conversations hardly lasts, as much as i want to hold on to one topic. she just smiles and end it all. so stop saying that i don't talk to her, because i have zero, and i mean ZERO EQ and no social skills.

sigh, at least now she's opening up, and i can differentiate her nod and her shake. i'm really happy that she is starting to make choices. and i finally figured that it's not nice to just smile and say 'anything' to people, because most of the time people just want you to stop faking and voice out your opinions. just say a simple 'yes' or 'no', and it makes the lives of people easier. so i promise that i will say less of 'anything' in future.

oh, and i banish myself out of my own room by like, 10pm. yes, i'm banished out of my own room. not that i mind, but it can get pretty unconvenient, and i really want my baby to just charge in peace. but i think she's a light sleeper, unlike me, the pig.

i really want to become her host and her friend. yes, and i don't mean a scary friend. i don't know how she feels about me but i don't want her to dislike me or anything because i don't dislike her. yeah, i know she's 13, just a kid, but i really hope that she opens up more these days. i remember being full of energy when i was 13! okay, it's pretty much obvious that she's different from me.

surprisingly, the third lang people in my class made me feel better today. and i feel quite happy because aline, ariel and jeaness told me that their batch of students were horribly stuck-up and irritating, so i should feel happy. and it's really quite surprising, because i'm not considered close to the third lang people in my class at all. and rika helped me out during class today, made me feel like a genius. hahaha.

ohwell. just hope that some people would shut up and just try to help me out instead. and yeah, i already know that i suck. and if you haven't gotten my point yet, here it is once again, big and bold:

I SUCK.

okay? i already know so please, shut up. it's not that i cannot take insults or jokes or whatever you call it, but it's getting on my nerves. yes, it's totally getting on my nerves. i know i should give and take, so since i have taken already, it's now my time to give. yeah, i am trying already. i want to be her friend, but i really don't know whats the best approach. and i cannot help it that i'm stupid and cannot communicate. i am ready to let my studies lag behind, even though physics test is coming soon and i'm horrendously scared of phyics test. because its physics. and no, shut up about me able to do it because i have failed before and i know that i am totally capable of failing again. i'm not smart like you people and don't tell me your physics suck unless your physics really sucks. then we can mourn together and feel sorry for ourselves.

hope the days get better.

anyway, if you haven't been smart enough to realized, this post isn't complaining about rika.

and thanks to those who have helped me out and made her feel more comfortable.

and i am totally aware of how my temper has been like these days. i really don't want to feel this way, but i can't help it but feel so hot-tempered.

winifred!

2006-08-02T22:30:00.000+08:00

winifred just made me feel better.

and i realized that she's a very good paparazzi.

await a picture post soon!

omg i got so many pictures of people now. can blackmail!

terrible.

2006-08-02T21:26:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling terrible right now. in fact i have been feeling terrible for quite some time already.

i feel like a complete loser because i'm screwing up almost everything in my life.

and no, for idiots who think that i'm referring to my studies only.

i feel so easily pissed off nowadays. even though i don't express it.

sigh sigh sigh.

and the japanese girl is really quiet. i really hope she gets used to everything.

and i'm still feeling terrible.

not that anybody really cares.

welcome.

2006-08-02T00:01:00.000+08:00

ha, i just finished packing my room to welcome the japanese girl tomorrow.

crazy, i must put up a good show for a total of 17 days. and i must wake up early, no, earlier than i already do to make sure that she and i can make it in time for school.

i'm feeling quite excited yet sian at the same time. quite fun to host someone in your house, but that's only if your lifestyle isn't as gross as mine. but anyhow i ~~believe i can~~ must behave myself so that i don't freak her out.

but aiyah, the worse case is that i leave her to die and let her go back to japan crying for her mama.

(i don't even have a pillow for her! need to buy tmr.)

as promised.

2006-08-01T21:45:00.000+08:00

because i am nice, i shall fulfil beatty's wish. and i know that as she is reading this post, all she can think of is 'MY PICTURES! MY PHOTOS!' so to create a little more suspense, i shall crap a little more before i allow beatty to be the model of the day. and i'm actually sorry for posting this so late, because i can totally imagine what beatty is thinking about right now, as she shouts 'SHUT UP ALREADY, PENNY MOO! I WANT MY PICTURES! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MY PHOTOS, I AM SO SEXY AND FAIR I NEED TO MAKE YOUR BLOG BETTER! YOU MADE ME WAIT SO LONG FOR THIS POST, AND NOW YOU CRAP CRAP CRAP AND DON'T GIVE ME THE SUBSTANCE! AHH, SHUT UP AND GIVE ME THE PHOTOS!'

so beatty, you're famous now! here are the photos, as promised.

beatty poppins, in her i-am-so-pretty-pose.

an attempt to spice up bernice's birthday party, 22 July 2006. look at her blue boxers!

don't ask me why she likes to do this. i don't know why either. i mean, doesn't she get it? she strips for all of nyjudo to see every training, and she still doesn't get it. come on, beatty, if you still haven't got it yet, here's our point: WE DON'T WANT TO SEE.

so here's beatty poppins for you. monitress of 302, secretary of nyjudo, psgl. makes me wonder if all monitresses, secretaries and psgls are just like her, like to strip in front of people.

eee beatty, shame shame.

lonely no more.

2006-08-01T09:57:00.000+08:00

i am my own best friend!

thursday.

2006-07-28T00:09:00.000+08:00

today was pretty okay. life science was okay today. surprisingly. can you believe it?

in the morning we had to make use of bioinformatics to solve a murder case, and come to think of it now, it doesn't make much sense. because how did Prof Dee expect himself to be killed in the first place? i mean, he was the one who provided all that genetic sequence to his assistants in the first place.

then, it was time for justina. yeah, initially known as mr. justin, his name has undergone some changes from justin to gay voice justin to justina. and i tried imitating his voice at the start of the lesson, but it just got tiring after a while. so i gave up since i cannot pronounce 'plessing' as well as he does. and he was pretty funny today, but kaiyun and i were funnier, so we sort of pissed him off and he chased us out of the bio lab.

oh well, i hope he's pissed, i really hope he cannot stand me. because i need to get back at him for insulting me yesterday. yes, i haven't gotten over it, and i'm not going to get over it. he totally implied that my mind is screwed yesterday, while he tried to show us that he was psychic. still, i don't believe him. his face tells me he's a cheat. and he bitched about his colleague to us. anyhow, i'm just pissed that i got insulted when i think i'm incredible enough to tolerate his voice for four days. and tomorrow would be the fifth.

question of the day:
who counted the number of eggs in a female baby?

training was okay. but i was very very pissed off at somebody.

i promise that the next post will be a photo post! i need to post the highly anticipated beatty pics up my blog soon. i know beatty cannot wait, even though she keeps begging me not to post them up my blog.

and yeah, tomorrow we'll have some farewell thing for the hongkong students. which means byebye winifred. i think i'll write a nice long letter to her, since she's been so sweet and all. and i think i'm going to see her off on sunday, that is if i can get the details. sigh, i'll miss her.

fat and ugly and fat and ugly.

2006-07-26T23:46:00.000+08:00

sigh, i'm feeling upset and moody when i know i shouldn't.

my mood has been awry since term 3 week 2? i think. like all the insecurity and frustration just starts setting in and i've been feeling so lousy. and things haven't been going too well, either. not even now, even though it's sabbaticals. life science is hell boring and school just feels like a waste of time this week. i don't think i learnt anything much from environmental science, and i don't think i'm going to learn much from life science, advanced or not. every lesson just prompts me to sleep. maybe it's just me, i'm plain stupid and not intellectual enough for something like that.

and i'm so irritated with myself because my life is so disgusting. no, it's not school or anything else, it's just me. i hate the way i lead my life, how i cannot set my priorities right and how i just don't the things that i should do. i don't think anyone has such a problem, because nobody is probably as disgusting as me.

anyway i found out today that nanyang girls cannot sing buttons, because we cannot loosen up our hongzi buttons, we can only piak them open!

thanks to smelly who saved her ginger snaps especially for me. and for coming to find me to share your ginger snaps with me even though i was supposed to be the one to find you. even though i didn't say, i thought it was sweet.

I'm telling you to ~~loosen up~~ piak open my buttons babe (uh huh)
But you keep frontin' (uh)
Sayin' what you gon' do to me (uh huh)
But I ain't seen nothin' (ah)

uncertainty.

2006-07-26T21:22:00.000+08:00

i hate myself and my insecurity sometimes.

uncanny resemblance.

2006-07-26T13:13:00.000+08:00

african bullfrog

african bullfrog

don't you think these frogs bear an uncanny resemblance to someone?

try to guess who!

food.

2006-07-24T23:30:00.000+08:00

life's been crazy.

i've just realized that i've not been eating homecooked food for dinner since wednesday.

wednesday: sakura international.
thursday: simply bread, even though all i did was to kope food from people.
friday: some canto restaurant, buddha jumps over the wall.
saturday: bbq at bernice's
sunday: dinner at some chinatown restaurant, with sharksfin and prawns and food.

crazy! that's like, five whole days of good food!

and ive been going home late recently, which i had better stop, because qi yue is coming!

my sister brought me to this really cool stationary shop today. omg i found my childhood pens! some pen that i was crazy over when i was in primary school. got so excited that some guy stared.

i really need to pack my room soon. i need to put up a total appearance for the coming japanese student! and i'll be nice to her if she's nice to me. if she's an asshole, then i'll just leave her to die.

and i'll blog about things that had been happening soon. i know i have a very important job of sharing some photos and love!

love?

2006-07-21T20:39:00.000+08:00

today was disgusting. had lots of work and i didn't even finish up everything. and i forgot the stuff i studied for chemistry.

well, i did pretty well for my math test. at least i think so. in fact, it's like my best math test this year. and i figured that no one should be pissed with me because my math has been terrible this year and everyone has been doing better than me so this is at least something to make me feel good anout myself.

about nationals. no, i'm not gonna blog about what an ass i have been, how we screwed up or anything. because i have read enough blogs and it's all about the same stuff. i think i am weird, because i somehow like the fall Bdiv experienced this year. it made me feel very... realistic. i liked how i could see "YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH" shouting at my face and how i cried so much and felt so much and thought so much. of course, it's not the kind of thing that makes you happy, in fact it got me down quite a bit, but i like it in a weird kind of way, i can't really describe it. it made me learn a lot, i have to admit. and i'm happy because i know my teammates are going to train hard, and so am i.

today was busy. very very busy. and it made me feel really bad because it's the last day having lessons with winifred and i didn't do much for her. in fact i was studying my chemistry, and it made me feel worse when she was nice about it. i feel pretty sorry because i don't think i've been a good buddy. in fact, i think i have been rotten. with math test on monday, nationals on wednesday, and chem test on friday, it's been so crazy that it sort of made me crazy too. and it really made me feel bad because i know she paid a lot to come here. but she's been really really nice and i'm really happy to know her. i think she's really sweet because she's been making me laugh a lot during lesson, even though sometimes i talk to her so much that i don't even listen. especially during math and bio lessons, it's been really funny to hear her talk about mushroom, turtleneck and the vegetable woman. and she knows that i'm sad so she tries to cheer me up, telling me all sorts of funny stuff and making me feel stupid once again. and giving me skittles, tempo and writing me all those cute little notes. and i like the mr. incredible plaster a lot cos it made me feel incredible too! today she gave me another one and i'm not going to use it. i think i will buy the incredibles plaster and use it in future when i feel lousy again. you may think it's stupid and i think it's stupid too but you should know that i'm not very smart in the first place. anyhow i feel very sorry and thankful at the same time, because even though i only knew her this week, she's been really nice to be there for me in difficult times like this.

and i thank my classmates for being such crazy bitches even though they all hate me now because i passed my math test. i like the way they act so stupid when they are actually very very smart. and i thank them for making lessons and school a whole lot more bearable, bitching around and doing stupid stuff.

and a big thank you to my teammates, for going through so much together as a team. and i know that as much as all of you hate to admit it, you all think i'm cool and you all love me. let's work hard together and shit together, okay!

it was quite cool after i left school today. had a good dinner.

incredibles.

2006-07-20T23:17:00.000+08:00

somehow, i feel a little bit better after pasting the mr. incredible plaster on my finger.

maybe, i am mr. incredible in my own ways!

i think everybody should have a little bit of mr. incredible in them.

that's what life is all about.

2006-07-20T22:38:00.000+08:00

if all fails, then let's start all over again.

i was just wondering, about people being there for you. how long will they be there for? what can they do for you when so many things depend on yourself?

and who will be there for me.

and i think life is incredible. because it's not easy to study, grow up, find a good job, find a good husband, get married, have kids, grow old together and die. how did so many couples in the world manage to sustain their marriage for so long? maybe this is something i'll never understand until later on, i don't know when. but i don't believe love is like what those tv dramas portray, because i think it's more likely because people just get used to one another and are too tired and busy to change anything anyway.

i don't feel good telling you anything because if you realized, i hardly know anything about you. that was why i couldn't bring myself to tell you much yesterday. i don't like knowing that you've been through what i've been through before, and i don't feel good knowing that you know so much about me when i don't even know you. you think that i'll never understand, and maybe i really don't. but no, lots more are going through my head than you can expect.

lots of things have been happening. it's been pretty crazy.

i hope that when i die, i'll be able to tell myself. 'ooh, so that's what life is all about.'

as for now, i think life is finding answers to your questions.

finals love.

2006-07-18T22:31:00.000+08:00

hello, everybody.

finals tomorrow!

and i think ma'am is right. we should be playing judo, not doing judo. we should be enjoying the game and of course, enjoy winning!

training may be tiring, but i think in every one of us, we do enjoy judo. somehow judo has seeped into our little hearts and become part of us.

to teammates and seniors: let's fight to our best and win tomorrow! we all know that we can do it as long as we want to win. yes, it's that simple. we will win as long as we want to win. because we have what it takes and we know it.

and to everyone (and i do mean everyone) who's playing tomorrow, enjoy the game!

lastly, and most importantly, i thank my teammates from the bottom of my heart for having the capacity to love a fei zai like me! yeah, and sorry for taking up so much space in your hearts, you know i cannot help it. lovelovelove batch 14!

math and death.

2006-07-17T21:44:00.000+08:00

i can sense an obvious change in my mood before and after math test.

i seriously don't know how i would be when eoys come. i think i will end up in a super depressive mood 24/7.

because math rhymes with death.

and even though i know i will fail, i still hope that felly and faithie will come and whack me. they said they would if i score better than them.

anyway today was the first day the hongkong students came! and i've got a buddy, she's called winifred lah, and she's pretty funny and interesting. at least not goody-two-shoes! i'm pretty glad that may tan sabo-ed me, even though she's gonna take up some of my time lah. but it's okay lah! she'll be my motivation for finishing work at home.

and i'm into hongkong accent now lah. so nice, i like lah!

for example, sorry lah. you are very slow lah.

and canto! ooh i like i like i like lah.

but once she starts blabbering to me in cantonese then i can hardly understand anything. :(

tagboards and losers.

2006-07-17T21:32:00.000+08:00

whether it's

x: penny moo can you pls shut your mouth up. you have no right to say anything here.
: six schools and you didn't even get fourth.

or

rgjudoka: penny moo if you've got guts put down your name when you insult other schools.
: six schools and you didn't even get fourth.

all i can say is.

siao.

firstly, i have better things to do than tagging or spamming other people's blogs without leaving my name behind.

and secondly, i don't care whether your school won or lost, because i don't care about any other schools apart from my own school, unless you're my opponent for my next bout.

so rgjudoka, think twice before you tag, don't smartly assume and embarrass your school and cca!

but it's okay. you're lucky this time because i am nice and i don't mind. don't try to put down any other people's name in future though!

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

so juicy.

2006-07-16T21:50:00.000+08:00

i am very amused.

very very amused.

so i go random blogsurfing, and then ta-da! i see people accusing me.

it amuses me a lot, because apparently i didn't do anything, and there i see my name.

siao, i would rather spend my time worrying over trigo than waste my time talking about other schools.

oh well, at first i thought i was pissed off, and then i realize i wasn't.

instead, i feel very embarrassed for them. because i know the real person who did it must be laughing at them now for thinking that the culprit is me.

but it's okay, i guess, something new to show people after math test tomorrow.

getting so exciting!

and i have to say thank you. because you've just made us want to work harder for wednesday.

for now, trigo.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

hope.

2006-07-16T19:21:00.000+08:00

i should remain hopeful.

my mum says that when the jap girl comes, she'll increase my pocket money. at least she sounded so. cos my dad was asking me if i'll have any problem hosting her or not, and my mum was like, "what problem would she have, you just give her more pocket money lor."

so i am hopeful! hopefully when she's gone, the money doesn't go with her also.

anyway i am currently upset over math. lots of people are upset over it too, but i feel that i have more right to be upset over it because most of them are smarter than me.

sigh, why am i not a genius!

i know i am smart. i really am. just that nanyang expects people to be smarter, brainier. so there's no place for smart people like me.

i am currently upset. i want to get a camera today but i need to study for math test. which isn't going to help but you know, at least i can console myself that i tried. and i am more upset because i know that the canon promotion ends today.

i wish i was smarter. just a little bit smarter!

life.

2006-07-16T14:44:00.000+08:00

life's been crazy.

singapore's been hot.

everyone's been irritating.

i am tired.

week three.

2006-07-14T23:49:00.000+08:00

poo.

things are still pretty crazy.

and i am bleeding.

yesterday was team prelims! and we are in to the FINALS.

and since i decided that i love myself too much to blog about anyone else, i shall hereby announce that...

i'm pretty happy with my performance ytd.

seriously she was so big and strong! really strong. siao i came out of the dojo with no strength and i was panting like crazy.

okay and since i'm nice, i shall confess that most of B team did well ytd. and i'm gonna end it here because i'm not gonna let anyone else occupy more space in my blog than i do!

and seriously. if there are six teams and four trophies in total, and your team didn't get any trophy at all, i don't think that's anything to be proud of.

so that's about it. more on wednesday. come and support us! don't get yourself depressed by supporting other schools!

bler.

everything's crazy!

2006-07-11T22:21:00.000+08:00

life has been pretty crazy. let me see.

math has been terrifying. chemistry has been boring. ih test today was crappy. more tests are coming and waiting to eat me up. i have to redo flag day. i have an increasing number of pimples which i hope can go away. i have been spending money. i have been wasting time. i have been an ass.

and nationals is coming. this is so important that it requires a whole paragraph by itself.

ooh, but i am so happy because i am going to buy a new waterbottle soon! sports connection is finally having sale again and i am going to get a cool waterbottle to suit my cool self. now i can say goodbye to all those malaysia brand mineral waterbottles.

anyhow, everyone is constantly on a studying craze. and of course, this includes my eldest sister. everyone knows about the stress she faces in her studies. not to mention that hot doctors are sadly a misconception and being a medical student means having to buy super thick books which are perhaps thicker than me, even, and facing pictures in her textbooks that look like this:

(it's quite blur and i'm sorry but my sister's photography skills suck.)

being a nice sister as i always am, i tried to relieve her from her stress. and of course, i needed to relax at the same time. so i decided to test my phone camera and this was how it went:

too bad i've got no black tape.

and after i did this it got me worried.

siao! i don't wanna look like that when i am old! i want to be a healthy little granny!

and before i feel like a granny, i'll feel like a hooker first. i'll be buddy to this hongkong girl for like around 2 weeks, then i'll host this japanese girl for another two weeks. the hongkong one's quite okay since i'll just be her buddy in school (i think) but the japanese one is crazy cos she'll be with me the whole time! siao how many people that i know even knows japanese. there'll be this huge communication barrier (plus she's sec one, english sure damn lousy.) and i don't even know if she'll turn out to be some bitch or not! i think she and i are going to suffer big time. omg this buddy/hosting thing is like one after the other, it's really like some hooker business.

bimbotic

2006-07-08T23:38:00.000+08:00

i realized that...

i like bimbotic songs!

soresoresore.

2006-07-07T23:42:00.000+08:00

hello everyone.

firstly, i want to apologize for being so, according to others, sour this week. i wasn't really sour, just that i somehow felt that it was tiring to talk to others. couldn't think of things to say, didn't have things to say. you could say i was very sian. got pretty upset because of homework and stuff like that. and how i always promise myself to finish things up but i never do. just felt very sick and tired of everything. and also, very very unimportant. so my face was, again according to others, very sour. and i think i didn't really talk much this week. except to probably felly and kendra since they are the two people sitting beside me in class. so i'm really quite sorry about it. and very happy and thankful for the kinder surprise, long ~~cock~~ and gross strawberry corn stick, ~~condom wrapper~~ small little blue highlight and the chocolate mints. (i think it's pretty obvious that i didn't think of those words that were strike out. okay, even if it wasn't obvious, i tell you now. i didn't think of those words. other people did.) and i admit, i am touched!

today was really nice. i like early school dismissals, makes me feel fresh and nice. but kendra was being a bloody sicko who indulged in pinching and torturing me, while using 'help you to gain knowledge and know your body better' as an excuse. she's really sick, she loves to see me squeal in pain and laugh at my expressions.

went to eat prata and yujie's house after school. all of them made me feel very sad because they blamed me for finishing math worksheet so late and causing them to be really hungry. especially felly. but it's okay, because i seriously hope she'll eat more and more and more and grow fatter. ohohoh, we watched crywolf! nonono, it's CRY_WOLF. omg, the plot is really good and the woman is really smart yet psycho at the same time. but i thought some parts were quite dry.

oohoohooh! i feel good during third lang today. because firstly, i didn't sleep! and i knew the meaning of this term when many people forgot. other than that i was as usual, hopeless. and i was pretty unglam, wearing my breast-bleeding hongzi and holding this 'thank you, special gift' plastic bag.

and then went back to yujie's house again and we played mahjong! oh yeah, they managed to deflate my ego again by telling me that they were very sian to see me again. i tell you such people really makes me feel damn hopeless about myself. i'm not irritating, i'm kind! not kidding. omg i tell you mahjong is damn fun and addictive and even though i didn't win, it's okay. i know why. i'm saving my luck for next week. and plus i'm a practical person, no money, don't win also nevermind. i love myself and i love mahjong.

and i love yujie too! she's been really nice, cooking for everyone of us (and i know she likes me best because she cooked my noodles last and it's known that yujie always saves the best for the last). and she helped me set up all my mahjong tiles when i told her to! so nice, i like!

and everyone is in this contact lens craze now.

next time, we should have set aside some time for mahjong and cards and some movie/drama serial marathon. ooh, so shiok.

and i need to bathe now, because i'm smelly and dirty and very smelly and very dirty.

freak out.

2006-07-04T22:13:00.000+08:00

hmm today hasn't been a very good day for me.

felt like being an asshole during school today. cos i kinda felt sore ytd and it was like carry-over to today. don't ask me why but i think i work by this logic.

but i thought i wasn't too bad during third lang. at least i've finally decided to do worksheets that i haven't touched for a damn long time! it sort of made me feel good. i mean, i should stay firm with my decision to study japanese well.

and i thought i was really nice after third lang. i went all around just to help my sister buy her 'the maid' vcd! which was pretty urgent since i think her interview with boku films is just around the corner.

and i hereby wish her good luck for all her interviews.

that has just made me feel good about myself again.

now i'm happy, for a pretty funny reason actually.

world cup.

2006-07-04T22:11:00.000+08:00

4 reasons why you are into world cup:

you are into football
you are into money and you are into gambling
you are into hot guys who can play football
you just want to kaypoh

trigonometry.

2006-07-03T22:31:00.000+08:00

i tell you, mathematics is one of the most powerful subjects ever.

because it is able to get you down anytime, anyday.

so you think you are damn good, huh?

you think nothing is impossible and you're the smartest ass in the whole wide world, huh?

when i take out a whole stack of trigonometry and bombard you with it,

I SEE HOW YOU DIE.

drift.

2006-07-03T15:33:00.000+08:00

hello.

i feel lousy all of a sudden, which i think i should. because it seems to me as though i don't know anything at all.

goodbye.