Thursday, August 17, 2006
it's the last night.
somehow i feel a sense of relief. it's all going to end soon in a matter of hours.
to sum it up i don't think it was a good experience. i think it hurts when you try hard to interact with the person, hoping that both will have a fun time and become friends, only to realize that the other party doesn't care and you just give up.
i accept it. we have nothing in common.
for the whole of 17 days, i felt so restricted. and i can't possibly put the blame on her, because i guess you can't blame anyone of us. we had nothing in common. maybe she didn't try hard enough and i took the wrong approach towards interacting with her, or maybe she just took a look at me and concluded that i was fat and she doesn't want to make friends with fat people.
but i really, really dislike her insensitivity. i don't know how someone can stay with somebody for quite some time and not care a damn about her. she doesn't even help me pick up paper i drop on the floor.
it's all ending soon, so this is something to be happy about.
was really angsty and emo this morning, couldn't help it but i felt as though the whole world was bleak and i don't know why but i was pissed with the whole world. and then i started crying periodically, like whenever i mention anything i'll just start crying. i think it's totally incredible that she is able to reduce me to a total wimp and weakling, because today morning was really terrible and i was really going to break under all the stress. and as usual she didn't give a damn, put on her usual stoning face, but i really couldn't be bothered already. i've never felt like this before, even when school or anything was really stressful i would just cry alone without people knowing. and i wouldn't even cry, i'll just slog through the night or resign to fate and hand in late work.
and i was absolutely serious when i said that i was happy because there aren't going to be any LA compo timed trial or anything, because if there was going to be one, i'm just going to write fucker in different handwriting and colour and hand in to james tan.
became better after chinese period, much much better, but still not normal.
well i think she's so powerful in a way because she's contributed a lot to transforming me into the bitch i am now. this 17 days can even be considered as a trauma. i don't even talk much as compared to in the past now. i despise myself even, and i'm really scared i'm going to stay this way forever because i don't want to, i seriously don't want to. i don't want to remain this bitch i am now, because when i say mean comments nowadays i really mean it, not like in the past when i was just talking cock. and i'm really scared because there may be a high possibility that i might just remain like that, and i don't want this to happen. couldn't stop thinking about this during pe, so i teared during warmups and listening to miss sabrina talk. and during the game when i said anything that i usually said very naturally in the past, i felt really really weird, i don't know why but i felt that it wasn't me. i became this girl engulfed in sadness or something, well i don't know i don't know i really don't know.
i don't know why hosting turned out like that. well at least it is going to end on a good note (i hope).
but i don't think i'll ever regret this programme, because i had a really fun and good time in japan, and no matter good or bad, this hosting has indeed been an experience for me. well i'll just say that i'm unlucky this time and the something-that-had-happened-twice-will-happen-a-third-time logic doesn't work all the time. (i believe in that logic because a lot of things in my life had worked this way. somehow.)
somehow sitting beside zhuoxuan during chinese culture and talking to her made me feel better, haha. maybe it was because we were helping each other.
well physics is tomorrow, and i shall go study now since my cramps have become better.
i hope i will be better when i go to school on monday.
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