Saturday, August 05, 2006
homestay started on 2nd august, and ends at 18 august, if i'm not wrong that is.
if you ask me, honestly, i'm kind of looking forward to the 18th.
call me mean, or that i just cannot make it, but really, i had enough of people the last few days.
okay, fine. i admit.
I SUCK.
yes, hosting has deflated my ego a lot, a lot.
yeah, fine, i'm mean. i'm not meticulous enough, not nice enough, not kind enough, not good enough, not smart enough to know how to host a person.
people just keep telling me that i cannot make it, i'm mean and i'm earning money from this. for goodness' sake, you don't know how tiring it is to think of stuff to talk about all the time. and it's not like as if you can think of a topic and strike up a conversation and engross yourself in it. no, because she is so quiet that i don't even know if she wants me to talk or not. i don't even know if she feels irritated and just wants me to shut up when i'm talking to her, or asking her a question. the most she replies is one or two sentences, and the only times i remember her talking to me first is when she asks me to give her hangers, or ask me how much lunch was. i know, my japanese isn't all that good to converse fluently, but at least i try to make an effort. maybe that's the reason stopping her from talking to me, i have no idea. but she appears to be so scared of me that i'm scared of her too.
but really, i am not you, i cannot ask generic questions all the time. i cannot look at her and exclaim that she is cute and take 5 seconds to think of how to say kawaii. i am with her almost 24/7, i can't ask her if the food is delicious all the time, and wait for her to nod or shake her head. or ask her if it's fun or if she's bored, and wait for response. no, because if you keep asking a person questions, i don't think she's gonna be too happy with you. and our conversations hardly lasts, as much as i want to hold on to one topic. she just smiles and end it all. so stop saying that i don't talk to her, because i have zero, and i mean ZERO EQ and no social skills.
sigh, at least now she's opening up, and i can differentiate her nod and her shake. i'm really happy that she is starting to make choices. and i finally figured that it's not nice to just smile and say 'anything' to people, because most of the time people just want you to stop faking and voice out your opinions. just say a simple 'yes' or 'no', and it makes the lives of people easier. so i promise that i will say less of 'anything' in future.
oh, and i banish myself out of my own room by like, 10pm. yes, i'm banished out of my own room. not that i mind, but it can get pretty unconvenient, and i really want my baby to just charge in peace. but i think she's a light sleeper, unlike me, the pig.
i really want to become her host and her friend. yes, and i don't mean a scary friend. i don't know how she feels about me but i don't want her to dislike me or anything because i don't dislike her. yeah, i know she's 13, just a kid, but i really hope that she opens up more these days. i remember being full of energy when i was 13! okay, it's pretty much obvious that she's different from me.
surprisingly, the third lang people in my class made me feel better today. and i feel quite happy because aline, ariel and jeaness told me that their batch of students were horribly stuck-up and irritating, so i should feel happy. and it's really quite surprising, because i'm not considered close to the third lang people in my class at all. and rika helped me out during class today, made me feel like a genius. hahaha.
ohwell. just hope that some people would shut up and just try to help me out instead. and yeah, i already know that i suck. and if you haven't gotten my point yet, here it is once again, big and bold:
I SUCK.
okay? i already know so please, shut up. it's not that i cannot take insults or jokes or whatever you call it, but it's getting on my nerves. yes, it's totally getting on my nerves. i know i should give and take, so since i have taken already, it's now my time to give. yeah, i am trying already. i want to be her friend, but i really don't know whats the best approach. and i cannot help it that i'm stupid and cannot communicate. i am ready to let my studies lag behind, even though physics test is coming soon and i'm horrendously scared of phyics test. because its physics. and no, shut up about me able to do it because i have failed before and i know that i am totally capable of failing again. i'm not smart like you people and don't tell me your physics suck unless your physics really sucks. then we can mourn together and feel sorry for ourselves.
hope the days get better.
anyway, if you haven't been smart enough to realized, this post isn't complaining about rika.
and thanks to those who have helped me out and made her feel more comfortable.
and i am totally aware of how my temper has been like these days. i really don't want to feel this way, but i can't help it but feel so hot-tempered.
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