Tuesday, August 15, 2006
if you failed bio test, or any other tests, read this. it'll make you feel better, really.
i flunked bio test. really badly.
that makes me sad. but something else's worse.
the fact is that i didn't study for the test because i had to entertain the japanese girl. she came on wednesday night, and the test was on thursday. and my family kept bothering me about her, and when everything was settled, i was really tired. (okay, my sister helped me by watching tv with her, i must credit that. thanks a lot.) so i kinda gave up on bio test already, like i expected myself to fail it. so the next day came and the test was really bad and i was making a big fuss out of it, and she just remained quiet and didn't say anything. okay, maybe that was the first day, she was shy, very shy, she didn't know what to say. i'll let that rest.
and that's not the worst. the thing that made me feel the worst is this:
today is the 14th day. these 14 days, she's been staying in my house, sleeping in my room, following me around, i've been providing food and lodging, my maid's been washing her clothes. she had spent most of her 14 days with me. logically, i'm supposed to be am the person she is closest to in singapore apart from the japanese students who came as well. so you can say that i am her closest singaporean friend.
we received our bio test today.
so as you know, i flunked it real bad. and leeshanshan showed the marks of the whole class on the projector. and i think it's quite international that A is good and F is fail. and even if you don't know that you would know that when the colour of your marks is different it means a bad thing. and maybe she knows that, but she just didn't see the name MWTP in bold. okay, i excuse her for that.
but you can totally see it from my paper right? you can judge from my facial expressions right? you can see that i am sad right?
i am absolutely fucking sure that it is international that :) means happy and :( means sad.
she didn't even care. she didn't even mutter a word to me. she didn't even give me a pat on my back or did anything at all. SHE JUST FUCKING SAT THERE AND STONED AND TRIED TO COPY THE CORRECTIONS PUT UP ON THE PROJECTOR EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND ANYTHING AT ALL.
that's what making so upset. and now that i think about it, this bio test is my worst test ever in my whole secondary school life. i didn't even do that badly for math. yes, biology. i can say that biology is one of my favourite subject in school and even though leeshanshan is an asshole of a teacher I STILL LIKE BIOLOGY. yes, I STILL DO.
and she doesn't even care a damn. i've been providing her food and lodging for 2 weeks, and 2 weeks is a freaking long time. if you don't think 2 damn weeks is long enough you can go ask mr tang the judo coach. and after school i already felt really bad and she came and approached me and the only thing she said?
(in japanese) "can i go with my friend?"
all i said was "gogogo". and she ran off with her friend and giggled. i really couldn't take it. like what the fuck that was the only thing she said to me? if all you wanted was to say that to me then i suggest you just run off with your friend and don't come back.
yes i am very mean. i am very mean because i had told myself before i received bio paper that i will treat her better in the remaining days to come. even though there's going to be chinese culture and physics test, i am going to treat her better. but i changed my mind completely 15 minutes after i received back my biology paper. what is the point for treating her nicely or trying to treat her nicely when she doesn't even care a damn about me?
if she had just ask me 'are you alright?' in japanese or given me a pat on the back, i would feel much much better. i don't expect her to do anything big, just ask me a simple question, and i'll be much better already. but she didn't care at all. she just sat there and did nothing.
winifred wouldn't do that. i wouldn't do that. ryo and yo wouldn't do that. ryo even wrote in her diary one day that i wasn't feeling too well and she was sad.
yes i am comparing because i cannot take it any longer. even though i do think about them, i had never compared them to her before. this is the first time and i don't even think it's a comparison between all the people i had met before and her. because i think almost all normal people who spent almost 2 weeks with a girl in a foreign land would do that. even if they didn't know what to do they would just ask or express concern in one way or another.
it's not a communication problem. it's because she doesn't care at all.
so i have given up. i am going to study for my tests and i'm not going to care about her. this time it's real. the most i'll do is to bring her to night safari tonight and gather my family members to take photo with her. and if i'm feeling nicer, i might bring her to watch umizaru 2. this time i'm serious. i'm no longer going to care about how she feels or try to decipher how she feels. if she's going back to japan hating me then go on and hate me. just hurry up go back and get lost. and i won't ever feel guilty about being bad to you. i won't feel guilty about you ever again. it's no use sacrificing anything for you at all.
it's bad enough that i failed my test and you don't even care. but it's the worst when i failed my bio test because of you (fine you can say that i should have know and managed my time well enough but the only thing i am going to say to you is shut up) and you don't give a damn at all when i am supposedly the person you are closest to in singapore.
come to think of it. the only time she had ever made conversation with me is when she's asking about herself herself herself. okay she asked me about whether i had a microwave at home and cooked for me, thank you very much, but now that i think about it she most probably cooked for my family because her mother or whoever told her to do so.
so i don't care anymore. she's not excused for anything at all because i don't think she's so stupid that she doesn't know what's going on.
wish me all the best on physics test. and i am determined to do well for it as a way to celebrate the end of this homestay programme. i think i am going to celebrate in changi airport on friday treating myself to a good breakfast. and if my sister has time i don't mind treating her to breakfast as well.
and thanks to the great Ks for the card, vinette for offering me food, melissa for the sms-es, yuhan and everybody who showed concern and all, even though i know vinette and kaiyun didn't score very well either (i understand the mark kaiyun got was really lousy for her even though it's wayyyyy higher than mine, because she's always been good in bio and so interested in all so yeah.)
yes, so just fuck off and get away. 14 days and you don't show any sense of gratitude or concern or friendliness or whatever it is. i'm so sad because i'm so disappointed in you. that's the main reason why i'm sad, not bio test or the fact that leeshanshan looks down on me (i could hear it from the tone she said my name), not because i have to go for biology remedial. yes, you, even though i've been saying lots of mean things about you but i liked you, at least a bit. now i don't anymore. but i don't hate you either because you are not worth the effort.
|
|
|
|
